I have a lot to say, but I haven’t had much time to write. My normal attitude of “adjust, adjust, adjust” isn’t playing out as smoothly as I hoped it would. Relocating, busyness and culture shock have been hitting us hard and me the hardest.

There have been many emotions that I have experienced since we returned to China. We were excited to return, although I told my wife it didn’t feel the same. Then once we found out the news, I was sad. That soon turned into anger. But then on the horizon was excitement for what the future holds.

I eventually came to a reckoning: “Honestly speaking, the move out of Dalian and the mainland has been hard. But I am reminded of the advice that I often give others: our calling is not primarily to a place but to a mission, a task, a ministry. Thus , even if the location changes, whether by choice or force, our calling doesn’t. We have been given the ministry of reconciliation, and as we become more familiar with this new city, one thing is for sure…millions of souls hang in the balance needing the message of reconciliation and God has brought my family here for such a time as this…to tell them.”

But there was still something lingering: heartbreak; heartache.

We truly were heartbroken to leave China. Our team in China was heartbroken. Our friends were heartbroken. So many people felt the pain that we did. There was so much excitement for our return. There were many plans in the works. Hopes. Dreams. I preached that Sunday morning for about an hour and challenge the church the best I knew. But it still seemed somewhat like a funeral.

There are two events that I won’t forget:

(1) When I told our two older girls what had happened and why we had to leave. They asked where we were going. I told them Taiwan and they responded with excitement, as if this was another adventure. But they immediately realized what we were leaving. As we talked, their eyes filled with tears. They really loved this place they called home and these people they called family. I won’t forget those tear filled eyes.

(2) The second event happened in the airport as were were walking to security and I was talking with the Chinese pastor, Charles. I explained that I was so looking forward to returning from furlough so we could go forward planting more churches together and working together over the next term to do great things, and yet here we were being forced to separate. His eyes filled with tears and it was hard to muster up any words afterwards. The thought of leaving him and he having to face this on his own was very heavy on me. The only thing that gave peace was truth–knowing Someone much greater than me is always with him: “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen”.

So we are working through this. I am working through this.

“The future is as bright as the promises of God.” – William Carey

There is a plan. We just have to follow. Heartache and all. Trust and obey.

Was it worth it? Absolutely, Jesus is worthy.

More thoughts to come…

2 thoughts on “Heartbroken

  1. LUBABALO Sitole

    amen pastor, thank you so much for sharing….you are such an encouragement no matter what happens.
    i love the fact that you won’t quit because of this persecution time in china…. we will always pray for you and family and those you left in china.

    please remind yourself with this verse….Romans 8:35-39.


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