It’s been a year today, May 27, 2010 at 6:35 AM, that our little baby boy was stillborn (Read the Story Here). It’s hard to believe that a year has passed. Our lives have changed so much since being in that hospital room, but it is something that we will never forget. Holding our little guy and then having to let him go. Seeing him in casket at the burial grounds and having to walk away, knowing I could do nothing, these are feelings that are hard to describe.
One of the things that I prayed and asked God for was that He would allow us just a few minutes with the Baby. Just to see his eyes open or see him smile, but that request was unaswered.
But as my wife stated “healing is here.” Those 100 days prior to his birth were filled with joy and sadness, not knowing what to expect. The days following were just as hard as, but there is healing. My wife, who has been incredible through it all, wrote the following on here blog:
“Over the last few months I have experienced such healing (both physically and mentally,) and this week (to me) signifies moving forward. It doesn’t mean my baby will be forgotten or that I won’t think of him or look at his beautiful pictures, but it does mean leaving the sorrow behind. This is the last sad season….there are no more “1st holidays” without him, no more “this time last year” scenarios, just moving forward.”
All of Welsey’s names are family names that are carried down except for “wei” which is Chinese meaing “power, strength.” We have definately grown stronger through his experience and despite many odds, he was a fighter to the end.
Wesley helped us grow stronger, not because we are strong willed people, but from the time that he entered our lives when we found out that my wife was expecting, through finding out their was a problem, we realize how weak we were. No matter what we did, we couldn’t fix the problem. But in our weakness we found strength! Because when we are weak, He is strong!
Where did we find strength? The person that helped us the most is Jesus. Because of our realtionship with Jesus we had the most compassionate and carring person in our lives. He carried us through. Trusting, relying, and giving it all to Him! Thank you Jesus!
Where we didn’t find strength? One thing that I noticed during this time is that my attention kept getting pulled away from true strength and healing. What was pulling us away was thinking that true comfort comes from, “one day you will see your baby in Heaven” and I hope I do, but I needed something more. Also, people would say something like “you’re baby is an angel now, getting his wings” or “God is playing baseball with your son.” I found there is no comfort in void promises unless I wanted to trust in the hollowness of the “Christian Bookstore Christianity.” But I didn’t, and my family didn’t, we needed something concrete, we needed the real thing.
What else brought healing? The grace of God and His word! It wasn’t a misleading view on heaven, but it was leaning on the fact that God loves us, God has a plan, Romans 8:28 “His purpose, His glory.” It was “I don’t have to understand or know why but I know God and I know He is good and all of His ways are good. As His Child, He doesn’t think evil against me.” It was Psalm 23, it was the example of Job and David. It was knowing that through this trial we might be able to help others. It’s “Gods Grace is sufficient…period!”
The support of friends, family, churches, partners, and so many…were also an encouragement to us. We knew that we were loved and had a great support team. Thank You for everything.
Today We will spend time together as a family and celebrate the time that we have together. There is still sadness, feelings, and hurt, but also healing and moving forward.